11 years

It was only with the strength of God that I got through this last 4,013 days without hearing your laugh or asking what’s for dinner. I can’t stand thinking about missing out tonight wanting to see your ‘eating swell’ post on social media. I want to see you and your brother laughing, you giving him advice on life, you just…. Living!!!

I know God doesn’t make mistakes. I know your life was for a reason and truth be told I know that you brought SO MUCH Love into my life. You wasn’t an easy child to raise but you was honest and considerate and soooo sensitive. You was there for me during my depression. You rubbed my feet, sat with me when you knew I just didn’t want to be alone.

My pain starts knowing you was alone when they were hurting you for no reason. Why did they beat on my baby? Kick and punch and kick and punch and…. Stab….. Why?

Noone helped. Everyone watched. Noone helpedddd you. Why? I’ll forever regret not being there. I would of helped. I would of kicked back. Not my baby!! I don’t play when it comes to my boys!!!!!!

10 Years

Why?

I’m figuring that I should be above this question, right? I’m saved, I have Christ in my life, I’m hopelessly in love and yet I’m unfulfilled with the loss of my child. Let me back up, loss. What the hell is that? I didn’t lose him. He didn’t drop out of my bag at the bus stop. I surely can’t replace him, so that word is so stupid!

I’m a little angry today. Tired of crying and then my eyes burn, still having to read my work on the computer and then I’m mad at myself. So last night, I played my gospel music loud. I talked to God while searching for new music on YouTube on the tv. Guess what came up?? Cooley High. No kidding! That was Teddy’s FAVORITE movie. That made me SMILE! I knew he did that for me. He is such a wonderful kid.

Kid…. Wow, he would be 30 on his next birthday, but he’s forever 19 to me, my baby. I can’t see him grow up in my mind, only his spirit get stronger. He’s able to communicate with me so easily, when I need him. What stinks is, I need to smell him, hear him say something funny and then know he’s coming back to me physically. Not MY son! Alllll that I’ve been through with my biological mom and step mom and father, failed marriages etc I should not have to bear This pain. I’ve had my share. I shouldn’t have to deal with anything else.

Better yet, how do I start vulnerable to life and allow myself to be happy knowing that catastrophe can come again at any moment? Live in the moment my therapist says. I’m so afraid to do that. My PTSD won’t allow it. Why should I? I’m tired of standing in the face of adversity. I’m just freaking tired, point blank!!

But God! He’s the only reason why I’m still standing!! 🌹

You are forever my sunshine!

You are forever my sunshine!

The time is coming near. It’s engulfing me like a cover over my head. I’m trying to keep my head up with all of these great things happening in my life. Yet here comes another reminder…. September…. You’re not here!!!! This young man, incarcerated or not is still able to have a decent life. Am I still upset? Heck yes! Do I believe it’s the will of God, hell no! Not MY God.

What is the lesson you want me to learn this year, Teddy? I know the number 10 meansFresh New Beginnings. Leadership and Innovation. I know you are proud of me and your brother and our accomplishments but I can NEVER get past the fact that YOU. ARE. NOT. HERE. accomplishing your Own goals!! You was such a dreamer. You had plans. You told me about them. I was your biggest cheerleader knowing all that we’ve been through practically growing up together since I became a mother at 21. It was just you, me and your little brother for so long that I couldn’t fathom getting married again. I had my Trinity and it was all I needed!

I’m soooo tired of these R.I.P. Pictures! I haven’t had a ‘new’ one since 2012. You know what, Teddy? It’s not fair. There, I said it. I don’t feel like being spiritual right now. I want my son back!!!

December 2021

2021 holiday without you, Teddy

My heart has stopped and yet the world is still going! I’m moving with it. I’m traveling son, I’m doing the best I can with your brother. You’re brother…. Now 19. How the age haunts me soooo much. The crazy thing is we thought of going somewhere for New Years but I immediately think that I didn’t spend 2012 New Years with your brother. I let him go to his cousin’s house because I didn’t want him traveling at 12. He offered to stay with me and go after the ball dropped. I told him no, I understand. I’m so sorry that I did. I will never have that memory of us spending that time together. Yes, you called me at midnight. I’ll always remember that. You was good to me. You made me feel like the greatest mom, I miss you so very much.

Now your brother is 19. We talked about going away for that night, but I CAN’T!! Oh my God, Teddy I can’t! It’s psychological. I don’t want to not be with you. I don’t want you to die.

I don’t want you to die……… 🌹

My sons……

Another holiday 2021

I got through

Today, I’m preparing mentally to go into another new year without you. I hate that!! I hate feeling like I’m leaving you further and further behind. Yes I know you’re constantly with me on the spirit blah blah blah

I know this, I feel this is you’re here….but you’re not here!!!

This is my place where I don’t have to be ‘strong’. I don’t want to always have to say I’m fine or be here for someone else. I’m still hurting. Bottom line.

Always my babies!

One Breath at a time

I’ve said this term over and over again, one breath at a time. It started in the very beginning when I said that a day is too long to try to get through. You know, when people say one day at a time. I can’t comprehend going through a whole day not thinking about my baby and feeling the pain of losing him over and over and over again. I can write a hundred blogs, post a thousand pictures and still feel no better when I have to still turn and look at his urn in order to think about his last physical being. My baby is in a container and there is noone that can ‘fix’ it.

I promised him that I would try. I would try take this pain and turn it into purpose. That is what he asked me to do one afternoon as I sat on the steps in front of my home as I sat and watched the door where he used to live waiting for him to come out and tell me this all is not real!!!

God told me that I would mother thousands of Teddy’s. I would start an organization that would help teens and young adults in various programs. So, I started the organization. Heck, I started 2 of them a for profit and a not for profit. I went back to school and I’m about to have my Bachelor’s in Business Administration Management with the concentration of Business Law. And yet I still can’t take public transportation because my ptsd tells me that someone will hurt me and people will stand around and watch like they did Teddy.

So onto this new journey. This journey of making this organization come to life even though Teddy is gone. He’s gone. He’s never coming back. Jesus, this haunts me every single day. I’m tired but I’ll keep going. Hey….I promised!!

I’ll be back soon. Be Blessed!

Teddy’s Trinity/ Teddy’s House

We’re finally doing it. We are creating programs that will launch in the Summer of 2022 once I receive my next degree, in May. We are soooo very excited. I will begin to take you on this journey with me. I know Teddy is looking down and is so very proud of me.

Happy 28th Heavenly Birthday, Teddy

Happy Birthday Teddy 🎂😘🌹🎂😘🌹🎂😘🌹🎂😘

Baby boy, you should of been turning 28. You should of been partying, having a great time with your friends bringing the baby by for me to babysit. So much should be different baby boy. I miss you so very much it’s crazy. Nothing is the same without you. 🌹

Me and Jalen had a drink for you with your D`Dusse. It was nasty, Son. 😘 I did it for you. I won’t touch that again until September! 🌹

I can write about you for days and days and still never tire. You’re my baby boy, my first born. How else can I represent you anymore besides the foundation? I love and miss you so very much, it hurts inside of my core, pain I don’t wish on my enemy. I know God is a Waymaker and I know you have me covered alongside him. Thank you sooo very much for being the son that you are even in Heaven, I know you have me!!! 🌹

I’ll talk to you real soon honey. Going to your site and light a candle. You are my sunshine baby boy. Mama loves you. 🌹

Be Blessed 🌹💖🌹

What am I doing?

I’m in a whirlwind right now. I’m trying to figure out life like the rest of the world, through this pandemonium going on called a pandemic. The undercertainty healthwise, financially, job wise, the closings and mask wearing being the new normal, I’m just whoooaaaaaa danngit!! For people like us who already deal with mental health issues, this is no doggone easy feat!

You know the wild thing is, while I’m here recovering from the implant, for the 1st time in 2 years not studying I’m learning alot about myself. I’m liking myself no heck I’m loving myself. I’m realizing that I’m a great person. It’s alright to say that. I told myself when this year came in that I was going to be a little more selfish. It’s alright to say no. I can only give out of my surplus and that way I’d stop feeling so drained mentally when everyone took all I had, and left!

I think a about you so often Teddy. My God you was such an anchor in my life. It’s amazing that I gave birth to you and you have me life! I don’t know how I’ve made it these 8 years. As we begin making plans for your Angelversary in September I want you to know that I everyday is an honor to be your mom. I’m about to start this day sweetheart. I will try to be more diligent on here again. It’ll be a challenge with school starting but I’ll try. I graduated with no recognition. This disease hit and schools closed. I haven’t even received my degree yet. No motivation to move forward but I did anyway. I’m at my new school and already took a summer class. I know you’re proud of the both of us. Your little brother is about to start his 2nd year. He’s staying out of trouble except his mouth lol. Your baby girl is growing BEAUTIFULLY! Everything is nice except you’re not here!!

Monday! Talk to you later, honey. I love you.

Be blessed……

Writing into my new existence

We normally come into a new year making resolutions. I can’t understand why. Mind sets don’t automatically change because the calender does. That always seemed silly to me. That being said, I rejoiced in 2019 and I’m still jumping in 2020.

I’m putting a new charge on my praise calendar be darned. I’m writing down specifically EVERYTHING that I want from God. Here’s the crazy thing. I’m expecting God to give me BETTER than I’m asking for and trust me I’m asking for the best.

This may sound weird to some but the Bible says write the vision and make it plain. Then we’re told we have not because we ask not. We’re told trust ye 1st the kingdom of Heaven and all things will be added unto us. We’re told no Good thing will be held from us. God WANTS to Bless us . Why wouldn’t we want to follow him?

All that being said, I am expecting unbelievable blessings. Anyone wanna believe with me ?

💖💖 💖 Be Blessed