I give you my love everyday. I know you feel it. I feel it reciprocated and yet……. It’s not enough. I want to give you the gift of my moving on. I guess I define it differently then everyone else does. People tell me to think of the good times we’ve had Teddy. Know that your spirit is now at peace and happy. I define it as acting like I now only have 1 child and my life and it’s new normal should be enough for me. It’s not!! I participate in several online grieving groups and they are what deter me from going to a live one. There are people in there who have lost children many years ago and are no more content with this life then I am. The triggers are still the same. The holidays, the birthdays, the death days, hell……….everyday.
I got teary eyed when I found out your pediatrician retired. So here is another person moving on with their lives. I wasn’t able to tell you, hey Teddy, do you know Dr. L. isn’t practicing anymore? You was still seeing him at 19 because he treated you and Jalen for the past 12 years. How can he just move on? I haven’t seen him since last year so I wasn’t able to tell him you was murdered. The new Dr. cried when I told her and had to regain her composure for almost 10 minutes. She hugged me about 4 times. I was appreciative but she wasn’t Dr. L. She made me have to move on to a place I wasn’t ready to go. That is just an example of a trigger. I was depressed for several days after that.
I said all of that to say Teddy, as much as I want to give you the gift of enjoying this life without you. I simply can’t just yet. It doesn’t mean that I don’t think it will happen at some point in my life. I’m making steps to at least turn this into something positive for other youth at least. I know you are happy about that. But in my personal life….I will continue to cry over meals I make because I know I wont be making a plate for you. I’ll never take your name off of my phone in favorites. I’ll never stop telling every single person who listens how much pain i’m still in and how much I miss my son.
As we get nearer to the trial for those murderers I pray that I am able to get through it emotionally. I am still diligently advocating for your right as a murder victim to receive justice. To me believe it or not, that is the easy part. I’m your mom. I’m designed, built and motivated to take care of you and that will never ever change. Everything else is…. just one moment at a time. Please forgive me for not being able to give this gift just yet. Consider it on layaway son. I love you Teddy……
Ena Griffin's Journey 