11 years

It was only with the strength of God that I got through this last 4,013 days without hearing your laugh or asking what’s for dinner. I can’t stand thinking about missing out tonight wanting to see your ‘eating swell’ post on social media. I want to see you and your brother laughing, you giving him advice on life, you just…. Living!!!

I know God doesn’t make mistakes. I know your life was for a reason and truth be told I know that you brought SO MUCH Love into my life. You wasn’t an easy child to raise but you was honest and considerate and soooo sensitive. You was there for me during my depression. You rubbed my feet, sat with me when you knew I just didn’t want to be alone.

My pain starts knowing you was alone when they were hurting you for no reason. Why did they beat on my baby? Kick and punch and kick and punch and…. Stab….. Why?

Noone helped. Everyone watched. Noone helpedddd you. Why? I’ll forever regret not being there. I would of helped. I would of kicked back. Not my baby!! I don’t play when it comes to my boys!!!!!!

10 Years

Why?

I’m figuring that I should be above this question, right? I’m saved, I have Christ in my life, I’m hopelessly in love and yet I’m unfulfilled with the loss of my child. Let me back up, loss. What the hell is that? I didn’t lose him. He didn’t drop out of my bag at the bus stop. I surely can’t replace him, so that word is so stupid!

I’m a little angry today. Tired of crying and then my eyes burn, still having to read my work on the computer and then I’m mad at myself. So last night, I played my gospel music loud. I talked to God while searching for new music on YouTube on the tv. Guess what came up?? Cooley High. No kidding! That was Teddy’s FAVORITE movie. That made me SMILE! I knew he did that for me. He is such a wonderful kid.

Kid…. Wow, he would be 30 on his next birthday, but he’s forever 19 to me, my baby. I can’t see him grow up in my mind, only his spirit get stronger. He’s able to communicate with me so easily, when I need him. What stinks is, I need to smell him, hear him say something funny and then know he’s coming back to me physically. Not MY son! Alllll that I’ve been through with my biological mom and step mom and father, failed marriages etc I should not have to bear This pain. I’ve had my share. I shouldn’t have to deal with anything else.

Better yet, how do I start vulnerable to life and allow myself to be happy knowing that catastrophe can come again at any moment? Live in the moment my therapist says. I’m so afraid to do that. My PTSD won’t allow it. Why should I? I’m tired of standing in the face of adversity. I’m just freaking tired, point blank!!

But God! He’s the only reason why I’m still standing!! 🌹

Looking into my heart

It’s time! I opened my eyes, took a breath and started to think. If only I’d stayed asleep, this wouldn’t keep happening!!

Now the thoughts come to, automatically thinking about my children and if they are safe and accounted for. The youngest one, yep I remember seeing him before I went to bed. My oldest one….. Jesus… My oldest…….. Where is my baby???

He just died, again!!!!! You don’t understand, this now is the 3,645th time that I’ve gone through this. My heart hurts so much. My mind goes to them hurting my baby. I can only imagine him being in so much pain, being so afraid. Did he call out my name? Why didn’t I hear him? Why didn’t I feel the life leaving his body? They said, he said he was cold. Oh God, my baby boy. My baby boy.

You’ve left me here in this place of despair. I cry so much, my eyes are often swollen. I cry out to the Lord because I know if it had not been for him I would of taken my own life. I miss your voice, I miss your smile. I miss your hugs and your rubbing my feet. I miss your excitement over my food. I even miss your anger because you come back and apologize. I always accept it. You’re my baby.

I Miss you soooo very much.

Until we meet again and I have re-live this horror all over again and again and again. I’m tired………….

Another holiday 2021

I got through

Today, I’m preparing mentally to go into another new year without you. I hate that!! I hate feeling like I’m leaving you further and further behind. Yes I know you’re constantly with me on the spirit blah blah blah

I know this, I feel this is you’re here….but you’re not here!!!

This is my place where I don’t have to be ‘strong’. I don’t want to always have to say I’m fine or be here for someone else. I’m still hurting. Bottom line.

Always my babies!

So tired!

It never stops. There is always a time where my world is turned upside down. Here we go again. 19 more days it’ll make 8 years that you’ll be gone. I HATE this!!

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I just want you to come home!! I’m so tired of missing you.

Our baby girl…..

You’ll always have my heart

Our baby girl is getting so big and smart and beautiful Teddy. She’s your splitting image and the love of my life everyday. people say I should be grateful that you got to leave a little of yourself for me to love and don’t get me wrong I am. Of course if I had the choice I would love for you to still be here and be the fantastic father that I knew you would be. It’s been a long 8 years, I can’t believe God has brought me this far without you. It’s like a bad dream that I wouldn’t wish on any mother in the world. I constantly go over that day over and over in my head wishing I was there to protect you.

Now we’re planning baby girl’s 8th birthday without you. Yes you are there in the spirit but she needs to be in your arms, hear your voice on a daily basis and know that no one in this world could ever harm her because her daddy is there. Oh how I wish this was true in the natural realm. Yes Uncle Jay is here but it’s not the same. I know what it’s like for a child to grow up without a father regardless of the reason and it’s horrible. I feel so bad for her. I’m so grateful that she knows who you are but it’s like a story to her, I’m sure. She sees your pictures and videos and can’t truly relate because she’s never had the pleasure of feeling you naturally. I guess I can understand that. That’ s why I try to keep your memory alive so much with her.

You’ll never be far away from us as long as I have breath in my body. I’m so excited that your organization is about to launch and we’ll be able to help thousands of Teddy’s in the New York City area. God gave me this vision and I shall see it pass. I love you with all of my heart and soul baby boy. Please continue to watch over and guide us. Until next time. Be Blessed.

FB memories

Came across this FB memory this morning from March 2013. It took me 3 long years and 26 for cases to get justice for you even though they were caught the next day. I never stopped fighting then and I’ll never stop representing you now! You’re MY son and nothing will deter my plans and dreams for you and your brother and daughter. Please continue to hold and comfort me, I miss you daily. I cry for you, I wish to God you was here with me. I love you, Teddy.

“It doesn’t take much to trigger me Teddy. 6 months ago tonight, we was laughing and joking here at the house while I prepared your dinner. You and J was rough housing on the bed while talking about going to the Mets game the next day. He was so excited. You and I talked for hours about life, the baby and importantly your business plans for the next day that would require you to miss school. All of this seems like yesterday. 6 months ago tonight, was our last conversation. The last meal I would fix for you. The last time you would leave my home. Thankfully I got a chance to say I love you one more time when you came to my job on the 20th of September. Now, here it is, 6 months since you’ve been physically gone from me, my son. Healing isn’t coming in time but it’s allowing me to thank God everyday for having you in my life. I miss you so much Teddy. 6 Months gone at 5:39pm tomorrow, but forever in my heart and thoughts. I wish I was able to go back to that night 6 months ago and laugh and hold you again. Justice for you, son, I wont stop.” (March 2013)

Happy 28th Heavenly Birthday, Teddy

Happy Birthday Teddy 🎂😘🌹🎂😘🌹🎂😘🌹🎂😘

Baby boy, you should of been turning 28. You should of been partying, having a great time with your friends bringing the baby by for me to babysit. So much should be different baby boy. I miss you so very much it’s crazy. Nothing is the same without you. 🌹

Me and Jalen had a drink for you with your D`Dusse. It was nasty, Son. 😘 I did it for you. I won’t touch that again until September! 🌹

I can write about you for days and days and still never tire. You’re my baby boy, my first born. How else can I represent you anymore besides the foundation? I love and miss you so very much, it hurts inside of my core, pain I don’t wish on my enemy. I know God is a Waymaker and I know you have me covered alongside him. Thank you sooo very much for being the son that you are even in Heaven, I know you have me!!! 🌹

I’ll talk to you real soon honey. Going to your site and light a candle. You are my sunshine baby boy. Mama loves you. 🌹

Be Blessed 🌹💖🌹

Being called by God from a lonely place

I’m writing this from transparency. Funny enough, this picture taken 5 days ago looking like I have it together is far from where I’m at, at this moment. Tears drenched t-shirt sitting here listening to worship music. I just finished praying in the spirit after HEARING from God so I clear. He’s said again to me, Daughter I know the plans that I have for you. Yes I know the rest of the scripture, but He’s saying to ME, that I’m meant to do this alone for a little while longer. Not just romantically but even those who are set to be in my inner circle, not EVERYONE is meant to sit and eat with me.

This gets lonely at times….. It hurts at other times. I have such a sensitive heart. I desire for everyone to do well, be happy, propel. That means I desire to be around people but God will isolate me at whatever cost for my own well being. Especially when there is work to be done. Keep your eyes on me daughter. I will show you what you need to do but I don’t want you distracted! My God!!

The tears…. They fall

God I love you sooooooooo much.

I’m Forever Yours Lord. It gets hard… It gets lonely but when I think of the alternative….

I want to see me son again…. My precious baby why died loving YOU God…

I want to be able to say the same when my name is called for that last time. I’ve come toooo far too quit.

I Love you Lord. I woke stop. Even if I’m loving you from a lonely place. I know I’m not alone. You’re Always with me and you’ll never abandon me. 🌹

To Worship you I live, to Worship you I live,I live to Worship You! 🌹