Solitude for sanity

 

I’ve been told, ” I didn’t tell you about the event bc I knew you wasn’t going to come anyway…”  They’re right.  This has become my new ‘normal’.  Let me set a disclaimer first.  We all  create a new ‘normal’ in our lives based on past experiences.  Even if you don’t notice it yourself, you are not the same person you were last year.  Good, bad or indifferent.

My new normal  is set in a solitude environment. Some say that I’m waddling in grief; not giving myself a chance to ‘heal’, yada yada.  Some say, we understand Ena, you do what you can do when you are ready.  Well  God bless your hearts.  That is exactly what I am doing.

There are many reason why I 98% of the time decline social invitations but today I want to discuss what some may think are ones that I should be immune to as I embark on Teddy’s 4th Angelversary in a few weeks.  That is, people’s well intended remarks!!!!  No, I don’t think that anyone gets up that morning and says, I’m going to hurt Ena’s feelings today and may even mess her up for a couple of days.  But hurt is hurt whether intended or not intended.  It’s just the law of the land.
This is on my mind lately bc I often think about growth and what I can do to feel better.  Yes, there are things that are within my control.  I feel that opening myself up to certain comments is one of them and call it cowardice, avoidance or whatever is on your thesaurus mind today, it doesn’t bother me.  I’ve encountered enough, dang I wish I would of just stayed home enough times to know, if my gut says don’t go, I’m not even going to do it to myself!

Here are just a few comments that come up in general conversations with people in my life that may be their way of consoling the moment, but I’m going to tell you how I hear it.

• At least you still have Jalen and his daughter
  • They replace him so I shouldn’t be sad anymore because I’m not alone??
• He is in a better place now
  • Sooooo, being with me and his brother wasn’t a good place for him to be?
• God needed another Angel
  • I so want to say, then why didn’t He choose your child???
• God doesn’t make mistakes
  • I never said/thought He did, but it seems to me that you trying to start a faith war 
• The absolute all time favorite…..  Teddy wouldn’t want you to be sad,  still
  • You know what, you are absolutely right.  How selfish of me.  I’m going to have an I’m instantly happy drink now bc the last thing I want to do is disappoint Teddy with my grief and not being able to pop back into my old Ena.  I’ll just act like he never existed and move on with my life.  Duh, Ena!!!!

Listen.  I love you all for loving me.  It seems so simple when you say it and probably so sincere when you think it but it really does mess me up!!  There’s really no other way to say it.  Even if I’m having a good few days; weeks mentally.  The comments of, ” I’m glad you’re doing much better.  Now you can start ……”  I’m so serious, I hear this all the time.  Your grieving is over now, so your life can begin again. Zap, just…like…that!

I feel like when I try to explain how it doesn’t quite work like that, that I’m making excuses to stay depressed or not trying hard enough to stay happy.  If it were that simple, I would of drank that juice a long time ago.  Yes, there are good days, some very good days.  But bottom line, I have had Teddy as my son for 24 years including my time of carrying him.  I have had 2 sons for 15 years.  I didn’t get divorced from him.  It’s not a now figure out how to live without him in my life, like a relationship.  It’s more of a now how to figure out how to still have him in my life without him being present in the living world.  I don’t WANT to figure out how to live without him in my life.  That is disgusting.  He’s my child.

So…..this was my thought for the evening.  Sometimes I think that people get it and then I get reminded that most don’t.  Hey, you may never get it but it wont be from my lack of telling you how I feel.  So please don’t take it personal when I say, I probably wont make it to your event, let’s just see how I feel.  It’s harder on ME to get hit with these and many more comments and then have to spend the rest of the time with the fake smile and held back tears or even worse having to go to the bathroom and let them out bc holding back wasn’t achievable.  Yes, it will get better, my sensitivity to your well intentions.  Some days are better than others.  But like my Ena get it together motto says, One day at a time….That’s for me, not for you.  You don’t get to count the days that have gone by as grief already served.  Not your place.  Just know that your prayers are felt and this is my journey to take.  I’ll work on mine and pray for you as you work on yours.

Thanks for spending time with me…until next time….Blessings