10 Years

Why?

I’m figuring that I should be above this question, right? I’m saved, I have Christ in my life, I’m hopelessly in love and yet I’m unfulfilled with the loss of my child. Let me back up, loss. What the hell is that? I didn’t lose him. He didn’t drop out of my bag at the bus stop. I surely can’t replace him, so that word is so stupid!

I’m a little angry today. Tired of crying and then my eyes burn, still having to read my work on the computer and then I’m mad at myself. So last night, I played my gospel music loud. I talked to God while searching for new music on YouTube on the tv. Guess what came up?? Cooley High. No kidding! That was Teddy’s FAVORITE movie. That made me SMILE! I knew he did that for me. He is such a wonderful kid.

Kid…. Wow, he would be 30 on his next birthday, but he’s forever 19 to me, my baby. I can’t see him grow up in my mind, only his spirit get stronger. He’s able to communicate with me so easily, when I need him. What stinks is, I need to smell him, hear him say something funny and then know he’s coming back to me physically. Not MY son! Alllll that I’ve been through with my biological mom and step mom and father, failed marriages etc I should not have to bear This pain. I’ve had my share. I shouldn’t have to deal with anything else.

Better yet, how do I start vulnerable to life and allow myself to be happy knowing that catastrophe can come again at any moment? Live in the moment my therapist says. I’m so afraid to do that. My PTSD won’t allow it. Why should I? I’m tired of standing in the face of adversity. I’m just freaking tired, point blank!!

But God! He’s the only reason why I’m still standing!! 🌹

FB memories

Came across this FB memory this morning from March 2013. It took me 3 long years and 26 for cases to get justice for you even though they were caught the next day. I never stopped fighting then and I’ll never stop representing you now! You’re MY son and nothing will deter my plans and dreams for you and your brother and daughter. Please continue to hold and comfort me, I miss you daily. I cry for you, I wish to God you was here with me. I love you, Teddy.

“It doesn’t take much to trigger me Teddy. 6 months ago tonight, we was laughing and joking here at the house while I prepared your dinner. You and J was rough housing on the bed while talking about going to the Mets game the next day. He was so excited. You and I talked for hours about life, the baby and importantly your business plans for the next day that would require you to miss school. All of this seems like yesterday. 6 months ago tonight, was our last conversation. The last meal I would fix for you. The last time you would leave my home. Thankfully I got a chance to say I love you one more time when you came to my job on the 20th of September. Now, here it is, 6 months since you’ve been physically gone from me, my son. Healing isn’t coming in time but it’s allowing me to thank God everyday for having you in my life. I miss you so much Teddy. 6 Months gone at 5:39pm tomorrow, but forever in my heart and thoughts. I wish I was able to go back to that night 6 months ago and laugh and hold you again. Justice for you, son, I wont stop.” (March 2013)

Being called by God from a lonely place

I’m writing this from transparency. Funny enough, this picture taken 5 days ago looking like I have it together is far from where I’m at, at this moment. Tears drenched t-shirt sitting here listening to worship music. I just finished praying in the spirit after HEARING from God so I clear. He’s said again to me, Daughter I know the plans that I have for you. Yes I know the rest of the scripture, but He’s saying to ME, that I’m meant to do this alone for a little while longer. Not just romantically but even those who are set to be in my inner circle, not EVERYONE is meant to sit and eat with me.

This gets lonely at times….. It hurts at other times. I have such a sensitive heart. I desire for everyone to do well, be happy, propel. That means I desire to be around people but God will isolate me at whatever cost for my own well being. Especially when there is work to be done. Keep your eyes on me daughter. I will show you what you need to do but I don’t want you distracted! My God!!

The tears…. They fall

God I love you sooooooooo much.

I’m Forever Yours Lord. It gets hard… It gets lonely but when I think of the alternative….

I want to see me son again…. My precious baby why died loving YOU God…

I want to be able to say the same when my name is called for that last time. I’ve come toooo far too quit.

I Love you Lord. I woke stop. Even if I’m loving you from a lonely place. I know I’m not alone. You’re Always with me and you’ll never abandon me. 🌹

To Worship you I live, to Worship you I live,I live to Worship You! 🌹