10 Years

Why?

I’m figuring that I should be above this question, right? I’m saved, I have Christ in my life, I’m hopelessly in love and yet I’m unfulfilled with the loss of my child. Let me back up, loss. What the hell is that? I didn’t lose him. He didn’t drop out of my bag at the bus stop. I surely can’t replace him, so that word is so stupid!

I’m a little angry today. Tired of crying and then my eyes burn, still having to read my work on the computer and then I’m mad at myself. So last night, I played my gospel music loud. I talked to God while searching for new music on YouTube on the tv. Guess what came up?? Cooley High. No kidding! That was Teddy’s FAVORITE movie. That made me SMILE! I knew he did that for me. He is such a wonderful kid.

Kid…. Wow, he would be 30 on his next birthday, but he’s forever 19 to me, my baby. I can’t see him grow up in my mind, only his spirit get stronger. He’s able to communicate with me so easily, when I need him. What stinks is, I need to smell him, hear him say something funny and then know he’s coming back to me physically. Not MY son! Alllll that I’ve been through with my biological mom and step mom and father, failed marriages etc I should not have to bear This pain. I’ve had my share. I shouldn’t have to deal with anything else.

Better yet, how do I start vulnerable to life and allow myself to be happy knowing that catastrophe can come again at any moment? Live in the moment my therapist says. I’m so afraid to do that. My PTSD won’t allow it. Why should I? I’m tired of standing in the face of adversity. I’m just freaking tired, point blank!!

But God! He’s the only reason why I’m still standing!! 🌹

Looking into my heart

It’s time! I opened my eyes, took a breath and started to think. If only I’d stayed asleep, this wouldn’t keep happening!!

Now the thoughts come to, automatically thinking about my children and if they are safe and accounted for. The youngest one, yep I remember seeing him before I went to bed. My oldest one….. Jesus… My oldest…….. Where is my baby???

He just died, again!!!!! You don’t understand, this now is the 3,645th time that I’ve gone through this. My heart hurts so much. My mind goes to them hurting my baby. I can only imagine him being in so much pain, being so afraid. Did he call out my name? Why didn’t I hear him? Why didn’t I feel the life leaving his body? They said, he said he was cold. Oh God, my baby boy. My baby boy.

You’ve left me here in this place of despair. I cry so much, my eyes are often swollen. I cry out to the Lord because I know if it had not been for him I would of taken my own life. I miss your voice, I miss your smile. I miss your hugs and your rubbing my feet. I miss your excitement over my food. I even miss your anger because you come back and apologize. I always accept it. You’re my baby.

I Miss you soooo very much.

Until we meet again and I have re-live this horror all over again and again and again. I’m tired………….

One Breath at a time

I’ve said this term over and over again, one breath at a time. It started in the very beginning when I said that a day is too long to try to get through. You know, when people say one day at a time. I can’t comprehend going through a whole day not thinking about my baby and feeling the pain of losing him over and over and over again. I can write a hundred blogs, post a thousand pictures and still feel no better when I have to still turn and look at his urn in order to think about his last physical being. My baby is in a container and there is noone that can ‘fix’ it.

I promised him that I would try. I would try take this pain and turn it into purpose. That is what he asked me to do one afternoon as I sat on the steps in front of my home as I sat and watched the door where he used to live waiting for him to come out and tell me this all is not real!!!

God told me that I would mother thousands of Teddy’s. I would start an organization that would help teens and young adults in various programs. So, I started the organization. Heck, I started 2 of them a for profit and a not for profit. I went back to school and I’m about to have my Bachelor’s in Business Administration Management with the concentration of Business Law. And yet I still can’t take public transportation because my ptsd tells me that someone will hurt me and people will stand around and watch like they did Teddy.

So onto this new journey. This journey of making this organization come to life even though Teddy is gone. He’s gone. He’s never coming back. Jesus, this haunts me every single day. I’m tired but I’ll keep going. Hey….I promised!!

I’ll be back soon. Be Blessed!