December 2021

2021 holiday without you, Teddy

My heart has stopped and yet the world is still going! I’m moving with it. I’m traveling son, I’m doing the best I can with your brother. You’re brother…. Now 19. How the age haunts me soooo much. The crazy thing is we thought of going somewhere for New Years but I immediately think that I didn’t spend 2012 New Years with your brother. I let him go to his cousin’s house because I didn’t want him traveling at 12. He offered to stay with me and go after the ball dropped. I told him no, I understand. I’m so sorry that I did. I will never have that memory of us spending that time together. Yes, you called me at midnight. I’ll always remember that. You was good to me. You made me feel like the greatest mom, I miss you so very much.

Now your brother is 19. We talked about going away for that night, but I CAN’T!! Oh my God, Teddy I can’t! It’s psychological. I don’t want to not be with you. I don’t want you to die.

I don’t want you to die……… 🌹

My sons……

Another holiday 2021

I got through

Today, I’m preparing mentally to go into another new year without you. I hate that!! I hate feeling like I’m leaving you further and further behind. Yes I know you’re constantly with me on the spirit blah blah blah

I know this, I feel this is you’re here….but you’re not here!!!

This is my place where I don’t have to be ‘strong’. I don’t want to always have to say I’m fine or be here for someone else. I’m still hurting. Bottom line.

Always my babies!

One Breath at a time

I’ve said this term over and over again, one breath at a time. It started in the very beginning when I said that a day is too long to try to get through. You know, when people say one day at a time. I can’t comprehend going through a whole day not thinking about my baby and feeling the pain of losing him over and over and over again. I can write a hundred blogs, post a thousand pictures and still feel no better when I have to still turn and look at his urn in order to think about his last physical being. My baby is in a container and there is noone that can ‘fix’ it.

I promised him that I would try. I would try take this pain and turn it into purpose. That is what he asked me to do one afternoon as I sat on the steps in front of my home as I sat and watched the door where he used to live waiting for him to come out and tell me this all is not real!!!

God told me that I would mother thousands of Teddy’s. I would start an organization that would help teens and young adults in various programs. So, I started the organization. Heck, I started 2 of them a for profit and a not for profit. I went back to school and I’m about to have my Bachelor’s in Business Administration Management with the concentration of Business Law. And yet I still can’t take public transportation because my ptsd tells me that someone will hurt me and people will stand around and watch like they did Teddy.

So onto this new journey. This journey of making this organization come to life even though Teddy is gone. He’s gone. He’s never coming back. Jesus, this haunts me every single day. I’m tired but I’ll keep going. Hey….I promised!!

I’ll be back soon. Be Blessed!

Our baby girl…..

You’ll always have my heart

Our baby girl is getting so big and smart and beautiful Teddy. She’s your splitting image and the love of my life everyday. people say I should be grateful that you got to leave a little of yourself for me to love and don’t get me wrong I am. Of course if I had the choice I would love for you to still be here and be the fantastic father that I knew you would be. It’s been a long 8 years, I can’t believe God has brought me this far without you. It’s like a bad dream that I wouldn’t wish on any mother in the world. I constantly go over that day over and over in my head wishing I was there to protect you.

Now we’re planning baby girl’s 8th birthday without you. Yes you are there in the spirit but she needs to be in your arms, hear your voice on a daily basis and know that no one in this world could ever harm her because her daddy is there. Oh how I wish this was true in the natural realm. Yes Uncle Jay is here but it’s not the same. I know what it’s like for a child to grow up without a father regardless of the reason and it’s horrible. I feel so bad for her. I’m so grateful that she knows who you are but it’s like a story to her, I’m sure. She sees your pictures and videos and can’t truly relate because she’s never had the pleasure of feeling you naturally. I guess I can understand that. That’ s why I try to keep your memory alive so much with her.

You’ll never be far away from us as long as I have breath in my body. I’m so excited that your organization is about to launch and we’ll be able to help thousands of Teddy’s in the New York City area. God gave me this vision and I shall see it pass. I love you with all of my heart and soul baby boy. Please continue to watch over and guide us. Until next time. Be Blessed.

Moving forward

God won’t give you a vision without somehow providing the provision for it.

I often think about Teddy’s House and how it has SO many layers to it. I often cry out, Lord how am I going to do all of this. But a peace encompasses me like the Angels themselves come and wrap me in their arms.

The Bible states, and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

I may not understand the how’s but I understand the who and God has me in all that He directs me to do. I’m excited. There is nothing or Noone that can stop me from what God has set for me and my family. Our desire to be here these children and my wanting to be a blessing for my father’s kingdom.

Today, I woke up invigorated and ready to take on new things. I’m ready Lord, use me. It’s not a hard decision. It’s a daily one and I’m glad to be called Blessed as one of HIS daughters.

Today is A GREAT day!! I’m claiming it and calling it forth in the precious name of Jesus! Amen!

I’m excited!

Today blessings will come from unexpected
places! 🌹