December 2021

2021 holiday without you, Teddy

My heart has stopped and yet the world is still going! I’m moving with it. I’m traveling son, I’m doing the best I can with your brother. You’re brother…. Now 19. How the age haunts me soooo much. The crazy thing is we thought of going somewhere for New Years but I immediately think that I didn’t spend 2012 New Years with your brother. I let him go to his cousin’s house because I didn’t want him traveling at 12. He offered to stay with me and go after the ball dropped. I told him no, I understand. I’m so sorry that I did. I will never have that memory of us spending that time together. Yes, you called me at midnight. I’ll always remember that. You was good to me. You made me feel like the greatest mom, I miss you so very much.

Now your brother is 19. We talked about going away for that night, but I CAN’T!! Oh my God, Teddy I can’t! It’s psychological. I don’t want to not be with you. I don’t want you to die.

I don’t want you to die……… 🌹

My sons……

One Breath at a time

I’ve said this term over and over again, one breath at a time. It started in the very beginning when I said that a day is too long to try to get through. You know, when people say one day at a time. I can’t comprehend going through a whole day not thinking about my baby and feeling the pain of losing him over and over and over again. I can write a hundred blogs, post a thousand pictures and still feel no better when I have to still turn and look at his urn in order to think about his last physical being. My baby is in a container and there is noone that can ‘fix’ it.

I promised him that I would try. I would try take this pain and turn it into purpose. That is what he asked me to do one afternoon as I sat on the steps in front of my home as I sat and watched the door where he used to live waiting for him to come out and tell me this all is not real!!!

God told me that I would mother thousands of Teddy’s. I would start an organization that would help teens and young adults in various programs. So, I started the organization. Heck, I started 2 of them a for profit and a not for profit. I went back to school and I’m about to have my Bachelor’s in Business Administration Management with the concentration of Business Law. And yet I still can’t take public transportation because my ptsd tells me that someone will hurt me and people will stand around and watch like they did Teddy.

So onto this new journey. This journey of making this organization come to life even though Teddy is gone. He’s gone. He’s never coming back. Jesus, this haunts me every single day. I’m tired but I’ll keep going. Hey….I promised!!

I’ll be back soon. Be Blessed!