How do I say goodbye, Again!

You just don’t understand unless you’re a grieving mother how your heart can break over and over again without ever getting whole. I’m tired of people saying I’m doing so much better since I’m able to go on public alone again. I still stand in a crowded room and feel completely alone.

Looking around to see if this was all a horrible joke and Teddy will walk up to me and hold me excruciatingly tight taking my breath away but giving me my life back.

As I turn around and around like a mother losing her toddler in a crowded store, her breath is still, in her throat until she sees her baby run into her arms. I just want my baby back! I’m so sorry that I wasn’t there to protect you, I will never let you get hurt again. Please just let me have another chance. The tears run down my face no matter the location nor my reluctance to being embarrassed. My pain has no dignity. I don’t even pretend any longer.

I’m sorry. I was going to write about your last days leading up to September 20th, 2012 but I can’t today. Today, I just need to feel you anyway I can. Your spirit comforting mine. Trying to exhale and release this breath stuck in my throat…. I can’t find you….

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Mother’s Day

As I prepare to celebrate Mother’s Day with my son, my heart still remains conflicted. What people don’t understand is you can’t tell your heart to ONLY focus on your surviving child. It knows that I birthed 2 beautiful boys. How can I only show show without showing the pain for the one that is no longer here?

I’ve heard so many times, well meaning people say, at least you still have your baby boy. Wow. I didn’t loose an earring. There’s no at least involved with your child being murdered, none what so ever. I’ve never loved my surviving child any less but they make me feel like I’m supposed to stop loving Teddy. That is how you make me feel when you say things like that. At least I had him for 19 years. At least he is in a better place. How about when your child is ripped from your heart, you come back and tell me how your life moved on without skipping a beat. I’ll give you a high five and wish you the best.

We ( bereaved mothers) try sooooo very hard to keep it together for our surviving children. We know better than anyone that they are hurting also and only want us to be happy again. My son has often told me, he wants his mom back again. Oh how that hurts my heart to hear. I’ve worked on this for these past 5 years in therapy. I’m trying, I think I’m getting better. But then these days arrive. Mother’s Day. Uggghhh. All of my memories come flooding back, the cards, our celebrations together as a family, the kids honoring me together laughing and joking. I watch the YouTube videos of them dancing and just enjoying life. I think, God why can’t this be my life anymore???

He was a kid. He was just starting his life. Why? Why? Why? Here goes my anxiety. All because of a day that wants to throw in my face that he’s really gone. And I’m supposed to smile and only shed happy tears. They don’t know it but I’ve mastered both. I’m smiling but you don’t know that, that 3rd one that rolled down my face was a painful one. My silence is my heart in my throat bc I want it so badly to fool you into thinking I’m alright. I’ve done it before and yes, I’ll do it again on Sunday. But as I prepare for my masquerade I’m confessing tonight that I’m sometimes a liar. I’ll say, yes today is beautiful and I’m so happy. This is my life.

It’ll get better I pray. One day, I’ll actually mean what I say. Until then, I’ll love on my surviving child and hold him so very tight never wanting to let him. I’ll remind him of our great times together, the 3 of us. I’ll let him know how grateful I am to be his mother. I have 2 beautiful sons. ūüíĖ

The gifts

I was blessed to receive two beautiful gifts in 2002 and 2003, new corneal transplants. For the two years prior I was undergoing treatment for Keracotonus, which is the coning of the eye.

One of the treatments is wearing hard contacts. That was excruciating. I had worn contacts in the past but nothing could match how uncomfortable these hard contacts were.

Truth be told, I can’t remember all of the other treatments. I know there had to be others because they wouldn’t simply do the surgery without trying other things. So at the end of 2001 while I was still pregnant with my second child, my doctor introduced the sight saving option of having a corneal transplant.

I hadn’t heard of this procedure before this conversation. Sure I may have seen it on TV but never have encountered anyone in real life receiving it. At this point it was my only option if I wanted to retain my eyesight. What was the extraordinary about my case was I was suffering from the disease in both of my eyes. I thought that I had simply had astigmatism from being in front of the computer for so many years. I had owned a graphic designs company and spent many hours in front of the brightly lit screen. Never did I imagine that I will be faced with this life-altering decision that would affect me for the rest of my life.

My left eye was the worst of the two, so it was chosen to be done first. I was told that it would take about a year for me to heal before they were able to do the second eye. In January 2002, a sad day was had by a family in one room as I received the gift of sight in mine. Needless to say my eyesight did not improve so I had the second one done a year later.

Over the years I had to deal with broken sutures and countless visits to my optometrist including emergency room visits. At these times, they seemed like inconveniences. It wasn’t until the death of my child, that I really began to empathize with the families of my corneal donors.

So here we are 16 and 17 years later. You’re probably thinking why am I even having this conversation with you. There Comes A Time in your life when you reflect on things and they take over your mind. For over a year now, I’ve been writing letters to my donor’s families. I replay it over and over in my head but I can’t seem to get it to make any sense on paper. I feel funny because it’s been so long and I don’t know how it’ll be received. But I also feel that if it’s so important in my spirit, then maybe now is exact time then one of these family members needs to read this. So I’m making a commitment within the next 30 days to get these letters out to the organization that sends these type of letters.

These procedures have made me become an organ donor. We never know how we may change someone’s life, even in death. I am a living Witness. Thank you donor A and B for gifting me with the ability to see my children grow.

Until next time… Be blessed.

You taught me how to love

I often think about the relationships that I’ve had in my life after I’ve had my oldest child. They always came second because my true first love was born inside of me. Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t love my second child. The bond that you have with your first child is incomparable. This is a time in your life when you truly learn what unconditional love is. I was blessed for that to happen with the male child.

Not having my father or my brothers in my life growing up pose many difficulties. With my teenage relationship I had to teach myself how a man is supposed to treat me. I feel that this miserably. These hard lessons took me well into my 30s. I can honestly say that it wasn’t until the death of my oldest child that I learned how to truly be loved.

Teddy and I had a special kind of love. I would often say in his later teen years that I wanted a man to love me like my son did. When he began seriously dating he would often tell me how he wouldn’t be happy and to find someone. I truly didn’t know how to. I dated, but wasn’t able to attract the type of man that can make me feel as secure as my son did. This may sound crazy to some, I don’t know what to tell you. I literally raised the perfect man for me! We had a love where words weren’t needed to be able to express emotions that we were going through. We can sit for hours watching a television show and be content just being in each other’s company. When I was going through my depression episodes, he will stop everything that he’s doing and be with me. He never judged me nor made me feel less than a person. Matter of fact, he was my biggest cheerleader always reminding me what a great mom that I was.

As I sit here with tears rolling down my cheeks, I feel a loss of part of my soul. Although I can speak into the wind and know that he hears me I can’t feel him the same anymore. I often feel a breeze in a still place and know that it’s him, but it’s not the same. Those are just reminders of him when I need assurances.

So now I’ve been blessed in my life to have a man who really cares about me, and I’m afraid. I want to love him as much as I love my son but how can I look like that again? I’ll always have that daunting feeling that he can be taken away from me. I know that nothing in life is guaranteed. I know that I deserve to be loved and to truly love again. I’m working on this and therapy. I’m working on this through prayer. I guess it’s true when they say the first step to recovery is admittance. Yes I can truly say I am afraid! But I can also say that I am so tired of being sad every single day. I want you to smile without feeling guilty. I want to think about my future and not be alone in it. I believe in my heart that Teddy had a hand in bringing this man into my life. I want to make him proud. I want to make me proud! One breath at a time. Until next time… Blessings

Having a moment

20180418_042343.jpgI’m sitting here with tears running down my face. It came out of nowhere yet it feels like it never left. My grief. It’s crazy because days that I’m happy, I get a lump in my throat. I have momentary thoughts that this won’t last that long. I await the grief to jump on me like how a sneeze attacks. If I get to enjoy an actual laugh it’s often accompanied by guilt. I’m so tired of being continously sad. That is my go to emotion. I’m tired. I want peace.

Responsibility…

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No matter how hard I try I can’t understand how people don’t accept their responsibilities in this world. When I say people I mean, deadbeat fathers. I’ve tried for so many years to be understanding to his plight, but at what point does my child become a priority? A child’s existence is determined by two people. Yes they are instances where the mother takes a decision into her own hands. I’m going to say this a good or bad thing, it’s probably a case-by-case thing in my opinion. That wasn’t the case in my life. Both of my children will equally planned. So I can’t for the life of me understand why I was a single mother for most of both of their lives.

I guess I’ll take some responsibility and say maybe I should have sold warning signs. In my defense, I leaned on the side of love. I chose to believe that my soon-to-be son’s father- soon-to-be husband would be this great provider. Was I being naive? How many men in their late 20‚Äôs early 30s have it totally together? So I figured that I would help push him into greatness. Well here I am almost 20 years later still waiting for greatness to show its beautiful head.

I’m not looking for perfection. I’m looking for empathy from a man who shares half of my child’s DNA. A person who along with myself should actually give it done about the well-being of their offspring. No they may not be able to supply the new Jordans, but how about a new box of cereal and a new winter coat. There were many times that I swallowed my pride and asked again for their financial help only to be told that they didn’t have it.¬† Stood again in those long lines at the child support office to come back multiple times for court hearings. Only to receive money for a very short period of time and told once again that they can’t find where he works. How is this fair to my child?

I’m not a woman scorned, I’m a woman that is disgustingly tired. Yes at the end of the day, I will do whatever I need to do to make sure my child is taken care of. There is however, a timing light where EVERYBODY needs to step up to the table and provide. The time is now! You can take this post anyway that you want to but I know my intentions in writing it.

I want to get the word out the mothers are tired. I saw a post on Facebook the other day where a man was complaining about women who allow people to tell them Happy Father’s Day. His whole argument was a woman can’t be a man. At what flabbergasted point in life do you think that a woman wants to be a man? Most decent women out here want their child to be just as excited for Father’s Day as they are for Mother’s Day. No I don’t think I’m a man but I understand the concept when someone wishes me gratitude on that day, including my child himself. He sees the sacrifice that I make on a daily basis and wishes to acknowledge me and know from whence His blessings come from besides God above.

This isn’t about bashing good men how men in general don’t do the right thing. Quite obviously there are millions of you out there who do and I applaud and honor each and everyone of you. I’m specifically talking about the ones who do not and you know who you are. You should be ashamed of yourself! Enough is enough, the time is now and mothers are tired. Your children need you to step up and it makes no sense that you need to be shamed for this to happen.

Until next time… God bless

 

 

The difference between disgruntled and disgusted

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I rarely discuss my personal business on any social media because I feel my life is not entertainment for anyone else, besides my talking about my son and me missing him so much. ¬† I HAVE to get this off my chest though I feel it’s shortening my life span by holding it in.

I was married to my youngest son who is now 15. ¬†I’ve been divorced since he was 4. ¬†I’ve since had therapy on the matter and can care less about the man, it’s the father that makes me look at some men with the side eye asking, ” Are you one of those???…..”. ¬†Yes, those, the ones who divorce their children along with the spouse. ¬†As if the child had anything to do with the failed marriage or your wanting to move on to brighter pastures.

My son’s father now lives in Florida. ¬†He moved there for a about 4 months before he even bothered to call my son and inform him that he moved. ¬†Nice right?? ¬†But let’s get to the nitty gritty. ¬†He can live in timbuktu if he wanted to, I don’t think my son would even care. ¬†What he does care about is, why every time he needs something, I have to figure out a way to provide for it it to happen which most times comes much later since I am on Social Security Disability which the father knows about. ¬†From 2012 until January of this year, he told the court he wasn’t working and I received off and on mind you, a whole $25 a month. ¬†I finally got tired of it and went back to court in October 2016. ¬†Starting in January I finally began receiving adequate money. ¬† Low and behold, April 20th, it stopped. ¬†I’m told they have absolutely no job information on file for him which means he isn’t working or he’s working off the books so not to pay child support.

I’ve texted him many times almost pleading for his help, which I shouldn’t have to!!!!! ¬†He’s answered me back disrespectfully and then had the gall to have his new wife answer for him and said she will be speaking for him from now on. ¬†She had the nerve to tell me I should be grateful that he’s financially supporting my child because a lot of men aren’t. ¬†I had to inform her unless she knows something I DON’T know, I have nothing to be grateful for because he is NOT supporting his child.

She must not have any children or been given her grown woman card because NO woman should stand behind a man who does not take care of his children. ¬†I don’t give a darn how good he treats you. ¬†If he doesn’t have a relationship with his children, that should be a red flag, boo. ¬†I have no idea where this woman comes from or how she was raised but I can care less. ¬†I wasn’t married to her or had a child with her so therefore my business isn’t hers. ¬†She wants to run his business, have at it to your heart if content.

For years, he had our mutual friends think I was disgruntled over our failed marriage. ¬†You cheated, you go caught, I ended it. ¬†Point black period. ¬†I’m disgusted is what I am. ¬†There is no reason on this earth why I should carrying the burden 100% on my shoulders while he’s living the good life. ¬†I told her if she was so bothered, she can pay it, I really don’t care where the money comes from. ¬†I’m tired of having to tell me son wait, or no because bills take precedent. ¬†His needs are also important and it hurts my heart as a mother.

I just had to vent. ¬†It’s taking everything in me not to put his name in this post, but I wont. ¬†He knows who he is and I pray that someone who knows him, reads this. ¬†He comes off as a Christian family man. ¬†There is NO Christ in Heaven that would allow you to not take care of your children. ¬†That’s biblical. ¬†My heart goes out to every woman in my shoes. ¬†Sending you all love. ¬†Until next time……

I almost let go

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Only God!!! ¬†The other day, I had to go do blood work for an upcoming surgery that I’m having. ¬†All of my Dr’s are at the same hospital that my son died at because ironically, it is one of the best hospitals in New York City.

As I’m on the surgical floor completing the work, I was about to leave. ¬†I began to look around and realize that, Jesus, I’m in the same exact spot that I was in when they told me Teddy didn’t make it. ¬†I looked down the hallway that I just walked in through, through fresh eyes. ¬†My mind went back to September 20th between the hours of 4:30 and 6:00pm. ¬†I had walked up and down that very hallway praying every healing prayer I’ve ever been taught. ¬†I looked into the waiting room where my family waited. ¬†I turned around to see the room that they had taken me in to give me the news but a reception desk was there and it confused me.

The receptionist must of seen my face and asked was I alright. ¬†I told her, my son died here 4 1/2 years ago after surgery but there were 2 rooms here before. ¬†She told me, yes, the last few years, they had renovated and pushed the rooms behind the desk. ¬†I felt the room spinning. ¬†After visiting this hospital hundreds of times, coming weekly for therapy among dozens of other appointments I’ve never been in this part since that tragic evening. ¬†I remember after receiving the news at 6:00 pm that he passed at 5:29, we stayed there until after 11. ¬†We viewed his body several times, was counseled by the social worker and was taken cared of so dearly by the staff.

I can’t explain how I felt walking back out through that hallway and going down the elevator. ¬†I felt like I was leaving my son’s body there yet again. ¬†I will tell you how the Holy Ghost came and carried me through. ¬†I could of broken down, had an anxiety attack and straight up lost my mind. ¬†I walked with my head up. ¬†I walked with my son’s energy running through me and God moving my feet and holding my heart together. ¬†My son wasn’t there. ¬†He is with God. ¬†He is with me!! ¬†I did it. ¬†I almost let go, but the devil did not take me out in that moment and I was victorious. ¬†I thank God from the bottom of my heart.

Triggers

triggers

Gut wrenching, panic attack filled freaking reminders of this awful journey that I am on. ¬†Triggers. ¬†I was watching a tv cop show and the witness was telling the last few minutes of this teenagers life before he was shot. ¬†He kept calling out for his mother, over and over. ¬†It was all I can do to catch my breath while wiping my eyes and nose. ¬†My mind IMMEDIATELY went to my baby. ¬† Did he call out for me? ¬†If not able to speak, I know that I was on his mind. ¬†Was he afraid and wondered why I wasn’t there to comfort him like I did for the last 19 years??

As I manage to get myself together, I wonder will this ever get easier? ¬†Not only am I apart of a club that no parent ever wants to join, will I ever be able to hear about violence the same again? ¬†I always personalize it now. ¬†I always put myself in the victims shoes. ¬† I never want to serve on a jury again because as far as i’m concerned, everyone is guilty. ¬†This takes so much energy out of me. ¬†Every incident takes me back to Teddy and I relive his murder over and over and over again. ¬†I can’t even be solaced with knowing that he died quickly because he didn’t. ¬†He sat and waited for an ambulance. ¬†They worked on him while the world watched and aired it on the news.

Teddy Beckles ambulance 56th Street
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He was in surgery for 3 hours before his heart couldn’t take it anymore and stopped beating forever. ¬†Mine stopped at the same moment. ¬†Now I’m forever indebted to having heart attacks and my heart stopping over and over for the rest of my life. ¬†My heart is constantly attacked, why my son? ¬†How much pain was he in after being stabbed in his heart? ¬†Did he call out my name? ¬†Did he wonder where I was? ¬†Why didn’t I make it in time to see him still awake to say goodbye? ¬†Will I ever look at life with the glass half full again? ¬†Questions….so many questions.

People tell me to try and spend time with others, don’t shut myself off. ¬†What can I say? ¬†I don’t know how to have general conversations anymore. ¬†No, it doesn’t get better with time. ¬†You telling me that Teddy will always be with me does nothing but make me compare how your child is with you, alive. ¬†Why do you think that will make me feel better? ¬†I don’t know, I guess this is just one of my bad days and i’m willing to take it out on anyone in my path. ¬†My heart hurts. ¬†Today…yesterday…………….

Just another one of those……Triggers

 

Honoring 24

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There have been many terms created throughout the years describing being emotional. ¬†One of the more recent ones that I like is, being in my feelings. ¬†I feel like i’m actually enclosed in sadness, grief, disbelief and disappointment. ¬†I feel the optimism bubble surrounding that layer and I can see it but some days, it’s so hard to touch it. ¬†For every laugh that escapes my lips, a dozen tears follow and over throw their elation. ¬†Ha Ha laugh, you have no home here.

At this juncture dealing with the storage issue, it’s now legal. ¬†The only comfort is, it’s at nearing the end and my lawyers are dealing with the settlement but it doesn’t take back the pain in my heart of losing yet another so important part of my life. ¬†For those who didn’t see my last post, basically my storage unit that I have been renting for over 5 years with all of my past furniture, pictures, the kids upbringings, etc was destroyed due to their negligence. ¬†I don’t want to even go any further with the story because i’ve been a mental wreck since finding out about this a week and a half ago. ¬†Yes, we will be compensated but Jalen and I can make new memories. ¬†I will never have that chance with Teddy so all of his stuff would of been new to me again, something new to smile at, hold and touch. ¬†They took another piece of him away.

Teddy’s birthday is in 11 days. ¬†He would of been 24 years old. ¬†The age holds so much significance to me because my mother was killed when she was 24 years old. ¬†I was 8. ¬†I say killed even though it was a drug overdose because she was found with the syringe still wrapped around her arm. ¬†She was known to not know how to shoot herself up so someone was in the room with her. ¬†Someone watched her die and left her alone. ¬†That is murder!!

I think about her meeting her grandson in Heaven for the 1st time. ¬†What was their conversation like? ¬†Do they sit together sometimes and watch me? ¬†Do they shed a tear for me, missing me? ¬†I know I wish so many days that I was with them. ¬†I remember being in the inpatient in the psychiatric ward for Teddy’s birthday 2 years ago because they were ¬†afraid I was going to kill myself. ¬†I was there for 10 days. ¬†I remember the feelings that made me have to go there. ¬†I feel them now. ¬†The only difference is, I have no one to care for Jalen so going back into the hospital is not an option. ¬†So when I take my anti depressant pills and night time pills daily, ¬†I try not to hold them in my hand too long. ¬†I know the arsenal that I have in my night stand. ¬†I also know that I would destroy Jalen mentally if I took my own life. ¬†So I try to put his pain over my pain. ¬†Sometimes it works, sometimes I have to get on my knees and pray a little harder. ¬†I had this episode last night.

I am saved and filled with the Holy Ghost which means I can talk in tongues. ¬†I cried and prayed so hard last night that I began to talk in tongues in my kitchen. ¬†I guess only God knew that it was a prayer needed that the devil could not here and try to intervene. ¬†I didn’t understand it myself but a power took over me so abruptly and strong that it took me down. ¬†I got up with power though. ¬†I played some gospel worship music. ¬†Rocked the tears out of me and prepared to live….one more day. ¬†I made it. ¬†Thank you, God.

I’m working on birthday preparations for my baby now. ¬†I will never stop honoring my children regardless of their address. ¬†This 24th birthday though….it has me shook. ¬†I feel a significance with this one. ¬†Something is coming as if had he been alive, a major turn would be happening in his life. ¬†I know that he’s with me every moment. ¬†So maybe this turn is going on with me, for him. ¬†I do live for him and Jalen. ¬†Who knows. ¬†Only God. ¬†And Teddy. ¬†Whatever it is, i’ll try to make them both proud of how I handle it. ¬†Until then, one breath, one moment at a time. ¬†Until next time. ¬†Be Blessed………….

 

My Thoughts

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