11 years

It was only with the strength of God that I got through this last 4,013 days without hearing your laugh or asking what’s for dinner. I can’t stand thinking about missing out tonight wanting to see your ‘eating swell’ post on social media. I want to see you and your brother laughing, you giving him advice on life, you just…. Living!!!

I know God doesn’t make mistakes. I know your life was for a reason and truth be told I know that you brought SO MUCH Love into my life. You wasn’t an easy child to raise but you was honest and considerate and soooo sensitive. You was there for me during my depression. You rubbed my feet, sat with me when you knew I just didn’t want to be alone.

My pain starts knowing you was alone when they were hurting you for no reason. Why did they beat on my baby? Kick and punch and kick and punch and…. Stab….. Why?

Noone helped. Everyone watched. Noone helpedddd you. Why? I’ll forever regret not being there. I would of helped. I would of kicked back. Not my baby!! I don’t play when it comes to my boys!!!!!!

10 Years

Why?

I’m figuring that I should be above this question, right? I’m saved, I have Christ in my life, I’m hopelessly in love and yet I’m unfulfilled with the loss of my child. Let me back up, loss. What the hell is that? I didn’t lose him. He didn’t drop out of my bag at the bus stop. I surely can’t replace him, so that word is so stupid!

I’m a little angry today. Tired of crying and then my eyes burn, still having to read my work on the computer and then I’m mad at myself. So last night, I played my gospel music loud. I talked to God while searching for new music on YouTube on the tv. Guess what came up?? Cooley High. No kidding! That was Teddy’s FAVORITE movie. That made me SMILE! I knew he did that for me. He is such a wonderful kid.

Kid…. Wow, he would be 30 on his next birthday, but he’s forever 19 to me, my baby. I can’t see him grow up in my mind, only his spirit get stronger. He’s able to communicate with me so easily, when I need him. What stinks is, I need to smell him, hear him say something funny and then know he’s coming back to me physically. Not MY son! Alllll that I’ve been through with my biological mom and step mom and father, failed marriages etc I should not have to bear This pain. I’ve had my share. I shouldn’t have to deal with anything else.

Better yet, how do I start vulnerable to life and allow myself to be happy knowing that catastrophe can come again at any moment? Live in the moment my therapist says. I’m so afraid to do that. My PTSD won’t allow it. Why should I? I’m tired of standing in the face of adversity. I’m just freaking tired, point blank!!

But God! He’s the only reason why I’m still standing!! 🌹

Looking into my heart

It’s time! I opened my eyes, took a breath and started to think. If only I’d stayed asleep, this wouldn’t keep happening!!

Now the thoughts come to, automatically thinking about my children and if they are safe and accounted for. The youngest one, yep I remember seeing him before I went to bed. My oldest one….. Jesus… My oldest…….. Where is my baby???

He just died, again!!!!! You don’t understand, this now is the 3,645th time that I’ve gone through this. My heart hurts so much. My mind goes to them hurting my baby. I can only imagine him being in so much pain, being so afraid. Did he call out my name? Why didn’t I hear him? Why didn’t I feel the life leaving his body? They said, he said he was cold. Oh God, my baby boy. My baby boy.

You’ve left me here in this place of despair. I cry so much, my eyes are often swollen. I cry out to the Lord because I know if it had not been for him I would of taken my own life. I miss your voice, I miss your smile. I miss your hugs and your rubbing my feet. I miss your excitement over my food. I even miss your anger because you come back and apologize. I always accept it. You’re my baby.

I Miss you soooo very much.

Until we meet again and I have re-live this horror all over again and again and again. I’m tired………….

December 2021

2021 holiday without you, Teddy

My heart has stopped and yet the world is still going! I’m moving with it. I’m traveling son, I’m doing the best I can with your brother. You’re brother…. Now 19. How the age haunts me soooo much. The crazy thing is we thought of going somewhere for New Years but I immediately think that I didn’t spend 2012 New Years with your brother. I let him go to his cousin’s house because I didn’t want him traveling at 12. He offered to stay with me and go after the ball dropped. I told him no, I understand. I’m so sorry that I did. I will never have that memory of us spending that time together. Yes, you called me at midnight. I’ll always remember that. You was good to me. You made me feel like the greatest mom, I miss you so very much.

Now your brother is 19. We talked about going away for that night, but I CAN’T!! Oh my God, Teddy I can’t! It’s psychological. I don’t want to not be with you. I don’t want you to die.

I don’t want you to die……… 🌹

My sons……

Being called by God from a lonely place

I’m writing this from transparency. Funny enough, this picture taken 5 days ago looking like I have it together is far from where I’m at, at this moment. Tears drenched t-shirt sitting here listening to worship music. I just finished praying in the spirit after HEARING from God so I clear. He’s said again to me, Daughter I know the plans that I have for you. Yes I know the rest of the scripture, but He’s saying to ME, that I’m meant to do this alone for a little while longer. Not just romantically but even those who are set to be in my inner circle, not EVERYONE is meant to sit and eat with me.

This gets lonely at times….. It hurts at other times. I have such a sensitive heart. I desire for everyone to do well, be happy, propel. That means I desire to be around people but God will isolate me at whatever cost for my own well being. Especially when there is work to be done. Keep your eyes on me daughter. I will show you what you need to do but I don’t want you distracted! My God!!

The tears…. They fall

God I love you sooooooooo much.

I’m Forever Yours Lord. It gets hard… It gets lonely but when I think of the alternative….

I want to see me son again…. My precious baby why died loving YOU God…

I want to be able to say the same when my name is called for that last time. I’ve come toooo far too quit.

I Love you Lord. I woke stop. Even if I’m loving you from a lonely place. I know I’m not alone. You’re Always with me and you’ll never abandon me. 🌹

To Worship you I live, to Worship you I live,I live to Worship You! 🌹